Let's Talk About Sex
Have you ever felt that everyone else talks about how sex is so incredibly fun and wonderful? About their fountain orgasms and how they can be horny for hours? While you, at best, feel a slight tingle and quickly zoom out into other thoughts…
I am a sexologist and psychologist, and the fact that sex isn't that great is a common reason people seek my help. This can be caused by many things, and ADHD can very well be one of them. For some, it is actually the entire explanation!
Sexual lust, desire and arousal are complex matters.
A bit like appetite, desire needs to be aroused. You may need to tempt your lust with something promising to get it going.
If you have ADHD, you may forget to eat when you are focused on something that inspires you. The same thing can happen with sex. Even if you enjoy sex when you do have it;
…you may also completely forget all about it when it falls outside your focus tunnel.
Without something to bring sex back into your focus, you can lose track of it for long periods. You might even start thinking that there is something wrong with you, your sexuality or libido.
But there is most likely nothing wrong with you; because having a desire and libido that is responsive is normal. And the only thing that is missing may be something to tempt it.
Interaction between your gas and brake
Another important thing about lust and desire is that it is controlled by the interaction of two systems, much like the gas and brake pedals in a car.
To get aroused, you need to step on the gas with words, stimulation and fantasies. At the same time, you need to ensure that your brakes, such as stress, shame or your partner doing something minor that you don’t appreciate, are activated and turn you off.
If you have ADHD, you often live with both extra gas and brakes in life.
You get distracted more easily and become stressed more easily. You may also get excited and turned on faster. But if you don't focus on the gas, lust and desire simply can't roll forward and you get stuck, much like a parked car.
It's normal that you don't crave something that doesn't seem appealing to you. If sex throughout life has been a disappointment, because you haven't understood what you need to get aroused, haven't had partners who could help you stay focused in bed, or have followed a sex script that doesn't suit you. Then you probably won't be so psyched about sex. This is completely normal and reasonable.
Is it hopeless?
Can you find your desire and lust?
Yes!
But remember that everyone is different. Some find it extremely, almost annoyingly easy to feel desire and to become aroused, and once they find the right fit, sex becomes super easy.
Others find it a bit harder to get into a sexual mode. Some aren't that interested in sex and choose to focus on other things that bring them joy in life.
If you want to find your lust and your desire, you need to figure out what arouses you and awakens your appetite for sex.
What turns you on, and what turns you off. In other words, what kind of sex would be worth longing for?
You'll find more advice about sex and ADHD and how you can find your keys to desire in the Letterlife app
Tanja Suhinina
Psychologist and Sexologist